Mental and Physical Health

Let's Talk About Lying (Part Two)

A Personal Story

My son is 12 years old, navigating the tricky waters between childhood and adolescence. As the youngest of four, he’s learning how to find his place in the world. One day, we received an email from his teacher explaining that his schoolwork was incomplete and that his grade would be lowered.

When he got home from school, we asked him how things were going in that class.

“Good!” he answered.

“And are you getting all your homework turned in?”

“Yes! I've gotten all my assignments in!” he said confidently.

Knife to the heart.

After some gentle conversation, the truth came out. He had been rushing through or skipping assignments because some kids were calling him a nerd. Rather than endure teasing, he chose to hide the truth.

It hurt to realize he had lied. But it also reminded me: lying often comes from a place of fear or insecurity, not rebellion. He wasn’t trying to hurt us; he was trying to protect himself.

Why Kids Lie

Kids lie for many of the same reasons adults do:

• To avoid punishment
• To impress others
• To protect someone's feelings
• To avoid consequences
• To gain something they want
• Impulsivity (especially common with ADHD)

While lying is wrong, it’s important to remember that it is a normal part of development, not necessarily a sign of deep rebellion or failure. [1]

 

How We Encourage Truth-Telling in Children

1. Teach It
   Kids are naturally driven to lie. Being intentional in teaching pro-social behaviors like honesty is crucial. Discuss books and examples that emphasize honesty and have ongoing conversations about it as they get older. In addition, continue to clearly state that honesty is a core family value and expectation.
2. Recognize It
   If a child chooses honesty when it would have been easy to lie, praise them. Focus first on their honesty before addressing the mistake. For example, if they come to you because while they were putting dishes away carelessly, one of your favorite coffee mugs got a chip in it, focus first on the truth:  “Thank you for telling me the truth about the chip. I bet that was hard. Now let’s talk about how we can be careful with the dishes.”
3. Model It
   Children learn more from what we do than what we say. If you’d like to see your child exhibit honesty, it must begin in you. They will pick up on us fudging truths (“Tell them I’m not here!”) or trying to skirt around the truth. Model truthfulness yourself, even when it's hard.

How Should We Respond to Lying as Christian Parents?

Ephesians 4:25 says,

"Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body."

God values truth because it builds trust and reflects His character. Truth is the essence of trust, and trust is the foundation of all relationships, including our relationship with God. When we see our children displaying anything but truth and honesty, we should acknowledge it—but maybe not as rigidly as you’d think.

When addressing lying:

• Stay Calm: Reacting with anger can cause more fear, which may lead to more lying. Stay calm and create an environment where truth, no matter how hard, is safe.
• Seek the Heart: Understand the underlying emotion behind the lie. Ask questions gently to understand why they lied. Often, there’s a deeper emotion underneath, like fear or shame.
• Teach, Don’t Just Punish: Explain why honesty matters. It is not just because “it’s wrong to lie,” but because it honors God and builds strong relationships.
• Model Honesty (Again!): Be transparent about your own struggles. Our children learn far more from what we do than what we say. Be honest with your own struggles and mistakes, and they will learn that telling the truth is brave, not shameful.
• Offer Grace and Consequences: Just as God offers us forgiveness, we can offer grace to our children. That doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences, but it does mean consequences are given with love, not punishment out of anger.

What Consequences Are Appropriate?

Consequences are necessary for lying, most of the time. Sometimes it’s redirection for very young children, and as children get older, a very common phrase in my own home is: “The truth will reduce your consequence,” so they know that we value truth more than the original infraction.

Examples:

• Redirect:
  Young children may just need redirection such as,

“Well that sounds like a silly story. Can we try again with what really happened?”
and follow up with:
“We should tell Mommy the truth about what really happened so I can always be there to help you.”

• Truth Re-Do’s:
  These are another form of second chances as children get older. If you know your child is not being honest, tell your child that you are going to give them an allotted amount of time to think about how they want to respond and if they need to give another answer. Because it’s a truth re-do, you can tell them they won’t get in trouble if they in fact have a different answer.
• Enforce Natural Logical Consequences:
  For example, if the child took a cookie when you said not to, they do not get one tomorrow. If they told you they did homework but they had been playing on a device, they must do homework immediately along with losing device privileges for the rest of the day. Depending on the severity of the lie, more stringent consequences will need to be enforced. For example, if you find your teen snuck out and lied, they do not have access to the car for two weeks and are grounded. You can find great examples of logical and reasonable consequences here: https://huckleberrycare.com/blog/what-are-logical-consequences

Lying is a behavior to be addressed, but it’s also a precious opportunity to disciple our children—to teach them about grace, forgiveness, and the safety of living in truth. God doesn’t expect perfection from us, and we shouldn’t expect it from our children either. What He desires is hearts that seek truth, even when it's hard.

References

1. Evans, Angela D., and Kang Lee. 2019. "Emergence of Lying in Very Young Children." Developmental Science 22 (1): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23294150/

Jessica Wojnarowski is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) at Emerge Counseling Ministries, where she is dedicated to helping individuals and families find healing through compassionate, faith-based care. She earned her Master of Arts in Counseling from Liberty University. Jessica has been married for 20 years and is a proud mom of four, drawing on both her professional training and life experience to support and guide those she serves.