Mental and Physical Health

Conflict as Connection: Making Struggles Work for Us

Conflict. It’s something we all instinctively try to avoid, isn’t it? Just reading the word might make some of us squirm. We struggle with conflict and we struggle through it, so it’s no wonder we often seek to distance ourselves from it. Yet, no matter how hard we try to avoid conflict, it finds us. As the renowned psychoanalyst Carl Jung once said, “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”¹ If resisting conflict works against us, perhaps it’s time to make conflict work for us.

In the context of families, many fear that conflict signals failure or that arguing is volatile and leaves irreparable damage. They worry that conflict means they aren't the parents or family members they believed themselves to be. However, as a therapist, I view conflict differently. I see it as a healthy and normal part of relationships. In fact, when a family tells me they experience no conflict, I squirm a little.

If we are going to handle conflict well, we must shift its implication. While conflict is technically defined as "a struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or demands,"² many associate it only with broken relationships, hurt feelings, and unmet needs. But what if conflict could be a connector instead of a divider?

The Smith Family: Two Scenarios

Consider the Smith family. Mr. Smith has just received a big promotion, which increases his work hours. Mrs. Smith quickly feels the strain as she shoulders more of the household and parenting responsibilities. She remains silent to avoid stirring the pot, but irritability builds, leading her to snap at her children, especially Suzie Smith, whose extroverted nature makes her more noticeable. Suzie Smith, in turn, becomes defensive and withdrawn. Meanwhile, Sammy Smith, quieter by nature, retreats into heavy device usage, grappling silently with school bullying and temptation online.

From the outside, everything appears fine; a promotion, a stay-at-home mom, and quiet kids. Internally, however, pain and loneliness are eroding the family’s bonds.

Now, imagine an alternative ending. Mr. Smith notices his wife's irritability and respectfully addresses it rather than ignoring it. Though initially defensive, Mrs. Smith communicates her feelings of being overwhelmed. Mr. Smith listens humbly and apologizes, asking how he can help. Repair has occurred. Suzie Smith confronts her mom’s irritability, and instead of escalating the conflict, she sees this as an opportunity for connection. Mrs. Smith listens, apologizes, and schedules intentional time to reconnect. Repair has occurred. Noticing Sammy Smith’s withdrawal, both parents use curiosity and join him in his world of video games They take the opportunity for connection to come into his world, so as to connect with a retreated boy and bring him out. They later use open-ended questions to help him open up about his struggles at school and phone usage. Repair has occurred..

The difference? In the first scenario, conflict was avoided, but harm intensified. In the second, conflict was confronted and became a bridge to deeper connection.

Here’s the formula:

Rightly handled conflict + Repair = Greater connection.

Or simply: Repaired conflict is an opportunity for deeper connection.

Foundations for Navigating Conflict

Handling conflict and pursuing repair requires a few foundational patterns:

1. Be Attuned:

Attunement means being physically and emotionally present to recognize and respond to         others’ needs. Are we present enough physically and mentally to identify when there is a problem in our family? When we do recognize something, do we have the bandwidth to     respond? God is our model in being ever-attuned in His omnipresence, and he promises to hear and respond to our need:

"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them." (Psalm 145:18–19, ESV)³

2. Practice Self-Examination:

Second, we must continually examine ourselves and be accountable to our family members. They are our first ministry; if we don’t put our heart into this, then no other ministry matters. My favorite verse for self-examination is:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" (Psalm 139: 23-24, ESV)⁴

3. Regulate Emotions:

This is a foundational pattern to get good at for ourselves, our marriages, and our families. To regulate, we as adults must model self-awareness, name the emotions, and use calming strategies — skills we then pass on to our children. Our kids are not born with self-regulation skills. We model and teach them skills to self-soothe. The Bible shows us the benefits of regulating emotions:

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit    than he who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32, ESV). ⁵ 

It is a sign of strength and wisdom to manage our own emotions. It takes intentional effort to pause, reflect, and respond in a way that aligns with our values.

4. Seek Repair and Reconciliation:

When conflict arises, we seek to reconcile, whether through apologies, playing together, compromises, or preventative plans. As Jesus taught:

"First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:24, ESV)⁶

Skills for Managing Conflict

Once the foundation is laid, these skills help transform conflict into connection:

• Open Communication:
  Model and encourage respectful, honest dialogue. Each member of the family should be comfortable expressing their inner experience without fear of condemnation or judgment, just as we should with God. Using active listening skills is crucial, such as eye contact, respectful body language, and no interruptions. When in conflict, the use of “I” statements rather than “You” statements creates an easier delivery (e.g. “I feel upset when the trash is not taken out” rather than “You never listen!”). Ask clarifying questions such as, “I heard you say that you are feeling tired because of school, and it’s hard for you to get your chores done. Is that right?” Finally, employ the “start-over” strategy. The rule is, if conflict does get out of hand, one of us can ask for a “start-over” and we abide by these rules.
• Regulate Emotions in the Moment:
  Again, as adults, we must model and maintain regulated emotions as we communicate our complaint or concern. We then help our children maintain a sense of control over their emotions through words like, “I know this is upsetting, so let’s take a breath together.” If needed, we call a time out if the situation has escalated to being unproductive.
• Focus on the Issue, Not the Person:
  Critique behaviors, not character. No one wants to be attacked, even when they have done something wrong. Instead, we address the issue without criticizing the person. Rules are no name-calling or blaming.
• Practice Empathy:
  Step into your family member’s shoes. Understanding their perspective often defuses anger and builds compassion and connection.
• Pursue Resolution, Not Winning:
  In family conflict, there are no winners and losers. The goal is connection, not conquest. Being heard matters more than being right.

Conclusion

Conflict and its resolution are an art and a practice. Managing conflict in families isn't about avoiding tension, but learning to navigate it with honesty, empathy, and patience. When each person feels heard and valued, even difficult conversations can become opportunities for growth, and more importantly an opportunity for connection. With compassion and commitment, families can move from cycles of conflict toward spaces of healing, understanding, and resilience.

¹ Carl Jung, The Portable Jung, ed. Joseph Campbell, trans. R. F. C. Hull (New York: Penguin Books, 1976), 383.

² Merriam-Webster, s.v. "conflict," accessed April 28, 2025, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/conflict.

³ The Holy Bible, English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Psalm 145:18–19.

⁴ Ibid., Psalm 139:23–24.

⁵ The Holy Bible, New International Version (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2011), James 1:19.

⁶ The Holy Bible, English Standard Version, Matthew 5:24.

Jessica Wojnarowski is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) at Emerge Counseling Ministries, where she is dedicated to helping individuals and families find healing through compassionate, faith-based care. She earned her Master of Arts in Counseling from Liberty University. Jessica has been married for 20 years and is a proud mom of four, drawing on both her professional training and life experience to support and guide those she serves.