Mental and Physical Health

Does Gentle (Passive) Parenting Really Work?

Ignite Parenting is pleased to present this blog series for parents as you navigate you child’s mental and emotional health. This series, presented in partnership with the Assemblies of God Mental Health Committee, was created to help parents understand the importance of a child’s mental health and develop a supportive home where faith flourishes. Because spiritual development and emotional well-being are essential for both parents and children, we hope the information in these posts equips parents with the tools necessary to build a healthy, Christ-centered environment for their families.

Children and adolescents experience biological, social, and emotional changes that can contribute to behavioral difficulties (Keles et al., 2020). Positive parenting practices have been associated with better emotional well-being for adolescents and have been found to dilute the negative effects of mental health outcomes including depression, anxiety, and behavioral problems (Kreski et al., 2023). Therefore, it is important to assess the variety of parenting methods being used since they often impact the mental health outcomes of children and youth.

I was providing therapy services to a child a few years ago for anger outbursts (e.g., screaming, throwing objects, hitting family members). His parents would allow him to enjoy all of his hobbies regardless of whether he behaved appropriately or not. When he responded in this way, his parents would just “give in” to what the child wanted in order to stop his tantrum. These parents were inconsistent with the recommended parenting strategies I provided and decided to end therapy services. The years passed, and eventually the parents reached out again to share that their child (now an adolescent) was engaging in more serious behaviors (e.g., skipping class at school, defying authority at home and in public places, anger management issues, etc.).

This story highlights the impact of parenting methods on short- and long-term mental health outcomes for children. A newer approach for parenting is called “Gentle Parenting,” which emphasizes understanding a child’s needs rather than managing their behavior (Walters, 2024). This approach involves empathy for children and use of techniques such as listening and validation. Parents often misinterpret the use of gentle parenting by avoiding the necessary correction of a child’s behavior and being overly permissive. Gentle parenting is not supposed to be “passive,” but it is supposed to foster a loving and supportive environment for children.

Statistics on parenting strategies show that more than 50% of parents do not adhere to one specific parenting style (Minkin & Horowitz, 2023) and, instead, use a combination of gentle and behavioral strategies. Research has shown that parenting which combines gentle guidance with a behavioral approach can positively impact a child’s behavior (Carroll, 2022).

One of the greatest challenges for parents is controlling their own emotions when children are not behaving appropriately. Children do what you do, not what you say. It is important to model appropriate behavior which means regulating your own emotions prior to approaching your child. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

It is important to be mindful of the types of words you use when parenting your child. However, it is still okay to teach your children that they need to earn their privileges (e.g., playing video games, engaging in fun activities) by behaving appropriately. It is often hard to be the one keeping your child from doing something you know they enjoy but be encouraged by Hebrews 12:11which says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

The sooner you implement the right parenting strategies and manage behaviors, the better you will feel as a parent in the long run. Proverbs 29:17 states, “Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire.”

The best time to talk to your children about their behavior is when they are calm. If your child is very upset or having a bad moment, they will have a difficult time processing what you are sharing. However, you can explain your expectations for their behavior and the consequences of their behaviors when they (and you) are calm. This will also be helpful when they start becoming upset because you can refer back to what you discussed with them when they were calm.

Some practical tips to combine gentle parenting with behavior management are the following:

1. Try to notice when your child is starting to feel upset or irritable.
2. Before they reach a point where they are dysregulated and misbehave, help them practice some emotional regulation skills such as deep breathing, squeezing a stuffed animal in their hands for 10 seconds at a time, or listening to calm music. You can even incorporate deep breathing with a brief prayer.
3. Remind them that if they behave appropriately (specify the behavior you want to see) then they will be able to do earn a privilege (e.g., use their tablet, play with friends, etc.).
4. Limit the attention that you give to your children when they engage in inappropriate behaviors but reward the behaviors you do want to see. If a child sees you react immediately during their tantrums, they will act out when they want your attention.

You might also want to create a safe space at home or a “calm corner” where your child can go to calm down whenever they are about to have a tantrum or misbehave. In this small corner, you can have encouraging Bible verses about peace on the wall as well as soft toys that your child can use to calm down for a few minutes.

By redirecting them to this area, you are teaching them to take a break and think before reacting. Also remember that consistency is key. As much as possible, try to ensure that both parents and any important caregivers are implementing the same parenting strategies consistently (that includes grandparents). It takes several weeks of consistent parenting strategies to start noticing a change in a child’s behaviors. But biblically, we know that if we do not become weary of doing good, we will see results! (Galatians 6:9)

Ways for parents to pray while establishing appropriate parenting strategies:

1. Pray for the Holy Spirit to help your child calm down when they are upset or struggling emotionally
2. Pray for God to work in your child and for your child to be receptive to your parenting strategies

 Carroll P. (2022). Effectiveness of Positive Discipline Parenting Program on Parenting Style, and Child Adaptive Behavior. Child psychiatry and human development, 53(6), 1349–1358. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-021-01201-x

Keles, B., McCrae, N., & Grealish, A. (2020). A systematic review: the influence of social media on depression, anxiety, and psychological distress in adolescents. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 25(1), 79-93.

Kreski, N. T., Riehm, K. E., Cerdá, M., Chen, Q., Hasin, D. S., Martins, S. S., … Keyes, K. M. (2023). Parenting Practices and Adolescent Internalizing Symptoms in the United States, 1991–2019. Journal of Adolescent Health, 72(2), 189–196. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2022.09.014

Minkin, R., & Horowitz, J. M. (2023, January 24). Parenting in America today. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/

Walters, A. S. (2024). Gentle Parenting: A new parenting approach? The Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, 40(7), 8–8. https://doi.org/10.1002/cbl.3080

 

Melissa Gutierrez, M.S.Ed, Pediatric Psychology Resident at Nicklaus Children’s Hospital

Melissa has a Master of Science in Mental Health Counseling from the University of Miami and is a doctoral candidate who will be obtaining her Ph.D. in psychology this year. She has provided individual and family therapy services to children and adolescents between the ages of 2-21 for about seven years. She has delivered therapy services to several youth who have engaged in self-harming behaviors and who have attempted suicide. Melissa is also an ordained minister with the Assemblies of God and has worked with several youth and families as an assistant pastor at her local church in Miami, Fl.