Blessing or Control? You Cannot Do Both
Parents who rely on control may achieve outward obedience, but only intentional blessing and discipleship cultivate true character and emotional security in children. When parents prioritize connection, affirmation, and spiritual leadership, they create an environment where children can grow rather than simply comply.
In many homes struggling with what appears to be rebellious behavior, children are actually emotionally empty.
They may be starving for affirmation, attention, and spiritual leadership. In the absence of blessing, parents often resort to control tactics. Control feels safer and more quickly manages behavior. And while it enforces compliance, it does not produce growth.
Discipleship and control are not the same thing - control demands performance while discipleship develops character.
Ephesians 6:4 instructs fathers not to exasperate their children but to bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Exasperation happens when expectations are high but encouragement is low, when correction outweighs connection, or when standards are enforced without relational safety.
A controlled child may obey externally while disengaging internally, but a blessed child knows they are secure even while being corrected.
Spiritual authority begins in private prayer. Before you correct your child publicly, intercede for them privately. When you must discipline or correct, do so calmly. Yelling triggers fear, not growth. When a parent’s voice escalates, a child’s nervous system reacts defensively, and fear shuts down a child’s ability to learn.
Take some time this week to ask yourself:
· Do I correct more than I affirm?
· Do I listen without interrupting?
· Do I apologize when I am wrong?
· Do I value obedience over relationship?
The prodigal son left home without the father’s blessing. Similarly, many children today check out emotionally long before they leave the home physically. They may withdraw when they feel unseen or distance themselves when they feel affirmed only by external performance.
But the parental blessing restores attachment.
To bless your child is to say:
· “You belong here.”
· “I believe in who you are becoming.”
· “Your mistakes do not define you.”
· “You are loved even when you struggle.”
That does not mean lowering standards. It means raising support.
If you grew up without affirmation, you may default to what you experienced. But there is hope; you can break the pattern. Generational dysfunction ends when someone surrenders their hurt to God and intentionally seeks healing.
Remember, you were not called to control behavior, you were called to steward and disciple your children’s souls.
Adapted from Joseph Girdler's new book Seeds of Contemplation, now available on joegirdler.com, Amazon and Barnes & Noble
