General
One of the most common parenting struggles is managing behavior. No matter a child’s age, behaviors are something through which every parent must guide their child. But before behaviors can be managed, they must be understood.
Understanding a child’s behavior isn’t always easy, but God reminds parents of a beautiful truth in Psalm 33:15 which says, “He made their hearts, so He understands everything they do.” While parents may not always understand, God does. And if asked, He will help parents learn to see past their child’s behaviors and into the heart of who they truly are.
God designed every human for connection – connection with Him and connection with others. This is at the very core of every man, woman, and child, and it is the very foundation of our Christian faith.
In order to feel connected, children must feel seen, heard, understood, and valued. These needs begin at birth and must be met through every stage of life.
As parents, one of the most powerful ways to communicate connection to a child is to send three powerful messages: I see you. I hear you. I feel you.
Yet even in homes full of connection and nurturing, there will be times when children will still act out in challenging ways.
Children’s behaviors are rooted in the brain. The best way to think of the brain is to picture it as a two-story house. While on the upper floor of the house, a floor where children feel safe and connected, they experience emotional regulation. However, when they are pushed to the downstairs floor of their brain, into a state of stress, overwhelming emotion, or feelings of being unsafe, they begin to experience dysregulation. Symptoms of dysregulation are behaviors such as tantrums, defiance, meltdowns, and withdrawal.
When children switch from the upstairs part of their brain to the downstairs part of their brain, they need their parents to help them find a ramp back up.
Just as with house repairs, building ramps requires using the correct tool for the job. Below are five R.A.M.P.S. that parents can construct for their children to help bring them back to their upstairs brain when they find themselves trapped in their downstairs brain.
Relate: Children feel safest when they feel connected. Being physically present does not mean connection. Connection comes from emotional presence that leads to a child feeling understood. Some ways to intentionally relate to your child are:
· Make eye contact with your child when talking with them– eyes equal ears to a child.
· Listen before you speak. Really hear what they are wanting to say; children cannot listen until they feel heard.
· Respond rather than react.
· Communicate: I see you. I hear you. I feel you.
Attend: Many parents spend less than 15 minutes a day in intentional conversation with their child. Attention doesn’t have to be elaborate discussions, but it does have to be consistent moments of uninterrupted connection. Some ways to demonstrate attending to a child are:
· Offer your full presence in small, frequent amounts.
· Ask curious questions.
· Affirm them and show your appreciation to them every day.
Mirror: Children learn from what they see, both the positive and the negative. Mirroring back to a child helps them learn to recognize and make sense of their own emotions. Some ways to practice mirroring to your child are:
· Reflect and restate their feelings back to them.
· Name the emotion together. Use phrases like, “You feel mad because…”
· Show that you understand what they are feeling and why before your address the behavior you want to correct.
Pursue: Just as God pursues us with His grace, so must parents pursue the hearts of their children, even when they display difficult behavior. Behavior begins to subside when children believe they are loved unconditionally by their parents. The following are ways to pursue your child’s heart beyond their difficult behaviors:
· Reassure them that their worth is not based on performance.
· Reinforce unconditional love.
· Reframe behavior through the lens of their underlying needs.
Support: Support strengthens a child’s trust and reduces attention-seeking behaviors. When children feel supported, their hearts stay full and they remain in a place of emotional relaxation and regulation. Offer support to children by:
· Offering age-appropriate choices to them throughout the day.
· Celebrating their efforts as much as the outcomes of their efforts.
· Guiding them instead of controlling them.
· Letting them know that you’re on the journey with them, no matter what.
You don’t have to be a perfect parent to help your child manage his or her behaviors, you just have to be a connected parent. God created your child, and He knows their heart. Ask Him for guidance and lean on Him for wisdom and understanding – He understands them even better than you do. Remember, God is forming connection through you and will sustain you as you intentionally point your children to Jesus.
Beyond Behavior -- Looking Past Behavior and Into the Heart
Parents can guide behavior best when they look beyond actions and stay connected to their child’s heart. Using the R.A.M.P.S. tools—Relate, Attend, Mirror, Pursue, and Support—helps children move from stress to emotional safety. With God’s help, connection becomes the key to understanding and shaping behavior.
Understanding a child’s behavior isn’t always easy, but God reminds parents of a beautiful truth in Psalm 33:15 which says, “He made their hearts, so He understands everything they do.” While parents may not always understand, God does. And if asked, He will help parents learn to see past their child’s behaviors and into the heart of who they truly are.
God designed every human for connection – connection with Him and connection with others. This is at the very core of every man, woman, and child, and it is the very foundation of our Christian faith.
In order to feel connected, children must feel seen, heard, understood, and valued. These needs begin at birth and must be met through every stage of life.
As parents, one of the most powerful ways to communicate connection to a child is to send three powerful messages: I see you. I hear you. I feel you.
Yet even in homes full of connection and nurturing, there will be times when children will still act out in challenging ways.
Children’s behaviors are rooted in the brain. The best way to think of the brain is to picture it as a two-story house. While on the upper floor of the house, a floor where children feel safe and connected, they experience emotional regulation. However, when they are pushed to the downstairs floor of their brain, into a state of stress, overwhelming emotion, or feelings of being unsafe, they begin to experience dysregulation. Symptoms of dysregulation are behaviors such as tantrums, defiance, meltdowns, and withdrawal.
When children switch from the upstairs part of their brain to the downstairs part of their brain, they need their parents to help them find a ramp back up.
Just as with house repairs, building ramps requires using the correct tool for the job. Below are five R.A.M.P.S. that parents can construct for their children to help bring them back to their upstairs brain when they find themselves trapped in their downstairs brain.
Relate: Children feel safest when they feel connected. Being physically present does not mean connection. Connection comes from emotional presence that leads to a child feeling understood. Some ways to intentionally relate to your child are:
· Make eye contact with your child when talking with them– eyes equal ears to a child.
· Listen before you speak. Really hear what they are wanting to say; children cannot listen until they feel heard.
· Respond rather than react.
· Communicate: I see you. I hear you. I feel you.
Attend: Many parents spend less than 15 minutes a day in intentional conversation with their child. Attention doesn’t have to be elaborate discussions, but it does have to be consistent moments of uninterrupted connection. Some ways to demonstrate attending to a child are:
· Offer your full presence in small, frequent amounts.
· Ask curious questions.
· Affirm them and show your appreciation to them every day.
Mirror: Children learn from what they see, both the positive and the negative. Mirroring back to a child helps them learn to recognize and make sense of their own emotions. Some ways to practice mirroring to your child are:
· Reflect and restate their feelings back to them.
· Name the emotion together. Use phrases like, “You feel mad because…”
· Show that you understand what they are feeling and why before your address the behavior you want to correct.
Pursue: Just as God pursues us with His grace, so must parents pursue the hearts of their children, even when they display difficult behavior. Behavior begins to subside when children believe they are loved unconditionally by their parents. The following are ways to pursue your child’s heart beyond their difficult behaviors:
· Reassure them that their worth is not based on performance.
· Reinforce unconditional love.
· Reframe behavior through the lens of their underlying needs.
Support: Support strengthens a child’s trust and reduces attention-seeking behaviors. When children feel supported, their hearts stay full and they remain in a place of emotional relaxation and regulation. Offer support to children by:
· Offering age-appropriate choices to them throughout the day.
· Celebrating their efforts as much as the outcomes of their efforts.
· Guiding them instead of controlling them.
· Letting them know that you’re on the journey with them, no matter what.
You don’t have to be a perfect parent to help your child manage his or her behaviors, you just have to be a connected parent. God created your child, and He knows their heart. Ask Him for guidance and lean on Him for wisdom and understanding – He understands them even better than you do. Remember, God is forming connection through you and will sustain you as you intentionally point your children to Jesus.
