Growing Kids, Growing Parents
Kara Powell and Steven Argue describe how to parent adolescent and young adult children
Kara Powell and Steven Argue begin Growing With by pinpointing the dilemma our kids face in the crucial season between 13 and 29 years of age: "On the one hand, our kids' sophistication has accelerated and it seems like they are getting older earlier; but on the other hand, they feel less mature as the typical markers of adulthood are now delayed."
Kara Powell and Steven Argue begin Growing With by pinpointing the dilemma our kids face in the crucial season between 13 and 29 years of age: "On the one hand, our kids' sophistication has accelerated and it seems like they are getting older earlier; but on the other hand, they feel less mature as the typical markers of adulthood are now delayed." In other words the transition to adulthood begins earlier and lasts longer in this generation than in previous generations.
How we parent our children changes as they age. Powell and Argue define "Growing With parenting" as "a mutual journey of intentional growth for both ourselves and our children that trusts God to transform us all." Growing With helps Christian parents navigate those changes by describing three stages of development our kids go through.
In the "learner" stage (ages13-18), our kids enter "a season of rapid physical, emotional, relational, intellectual, and spiritual growth and change." As parents, our primary role in this stage is as "teachers," not in the sense of telling them what to do, but in the sense of "learner-centered teaching."
In the "explorer" stage (ages 18-23), our kids "often venture for the first time away from home or home-oriented routines to pursue their goals, relationships, and beliefs." During this stage, parents' primary role is as "guides," shifting "our parenting focus away from setting goals for our kids and toward guiding them on the journey of setting their own goals."
Finally, in the "focusers" stage (ages 23-29), our kids "begin to gain clearer sense of who they are and have likely made educational, vocational, and relational choices that set them on particular trajectories." Our primary role is as "resourcers." Our kids come to us for advice because "we have lived through the life events they now anticipate, including career advancement, marriage, parenthood, renting or buying a home, and financial investments."
As there changes occur, Powell and Argue urge parents to pay "special attention to three key areas of our child's exploration: family, faith, and freedom" [emphasis in original]. Parents who do so engage in what the authors call the three "dynamic verbs" of "withing," "faithing," and "adulting."
- Withing: a family's growth in supporting each other as children grow more independent"
- Faithing: "a child's growth in owning and embodying their own journey with God as they encounter new experiences and information"
- Adulting: "a child's growth in agency as they embrace opportunities to shape the world around them"
The unique contribution Growing With makes to the literature of Christian parenting is its detailed advice about what shapes withing, faithing, and adulting take in the learner, explorer, and focuser stages of our kids' lives, and how we should parent as a result. This advice take up the bulk of the book (chapters 3-8). In this review, I'm only focusing on the organizing framework. You'll have to read the book to get Powell and Argue's detailed advice.
Growing With is a valuable read for parents of adolescents and young adults. It describes the changes our kids are going through, and what kinds of major life choices they are beginning to make using a memorable vocabulary to describe both the changes and the choices. Throughout, the authors urge parents to keep the lines of relationships with our kids, open, even when — perhaps especially when — they begin to make choices we disagree with. In that vein, I wish the authors had provided clearer direction to Christian parents about kids and LGBT issues, which are a much bigger deal today than when most of us were growing up.
I close by quoting three mantras the authors encourage parents to tell themselves:
- "Today I will attempt to be in the right place at the right time." This means knowing what stage your kids are in and what role your parenting should take as a result.
- "Today I will allow grace to give me courage to take the next faithful step."
- "Today I have what it takes to be the best parent for my kid."
It's never to late to be a better parent, and Growing With offers valuable advice for better parenting our kids as they emerge into young adulthood.
Book Reviewed
Kara Powell and Steven Argue, Growing With: Every Parent's Guide to Helping Teenagers and Young Adults Thrive in Their Faith, Family, and Future (Grand Rapids, MI:Baker Books, 2019).
