General

Let's Give 'Em Something to Talk About

5 Tips for Engaging Kids in Meaningful Conversation

Talking to kids, talking at kids, and talking with kids are three similar but distinct unique verbal interactions parents have with their children. Talking to a child often involves attempting to give a child advice, direction, or other information the parent feels the child needs to hear. Talking at a child is usually intended to serve the same purpose as talking to a child but is done in an authoritative way and involves a stern and serious tone. This type of verbal communication also asserts the speaker in a position of unquestionable authority and may be the least comprehended by children who are often put on the defensive when engaged in this type of interaction.

In direct contrast to talking at a child is the act of talking with a child. This type of communication opens up a two-way street for both speaking and listening and allows a child to genuinely participate in the discussion. While this type of engagement is the most beneficial for a parent child relationship, it is unfortunately the least common. There are times when it may be appropriate to talk to or at a child, but the majority of conversations should take the stance of open, honest, and intentional communication,

For some parents, this may be a new or unfamiliar type of parent-child engagement. Even the best of parents still need practice when it comes to talking with their child.

To be more intentional about having meaningful conversations with your child, consider the following helpful tips:

1. Make Eye Contact & Be Fully Present — Kids are very attuning to adult and how adults feel in certain situations. When you are conversing with your child, make sure that you give them your full attention and make meaningful eye contact with them throughout the duration of the talk. This shows the child that you value what they have to say more than anything else in that moment. Feeling valued will help them open up and invest in the conversation as well.
2. Use Honoring & Respectful Body Language — A few other ways to make a child feel that their opinion and their voice is important and valuable is by honoring the child with respectful body language during the conversation. Start by getting on the child's level, facing them with your body, and, if appropriate, holding their hand or placing your hand on their shoulder to show them that you truly want to hear what they have to say.
3. Don't Interrupt — When having a conversation with your child, it isn't always important that they are right or accurate when they are sharing information with you. Listen first and, at an appropriate time, correct them if absolutely necessary. Additionally, you may feel the need to interrupt a child for various other reasons such as, to ask questions, or to clarify a statement they made. However, kids often lose their thought flow easily and it is better to wait until they have finished speaking to interject.
4. Ask Follow Up Questions — A great way to show a child you are interest in what they have to say is to ask follow up questions. Even if they are not vital to the conversation, asking how a child feels about something, or what they liked vs. disliked about an event that happened, shows that you enjoy hearing about what they have to say and that you are interested in learning more.
5. Thank Them for the Time They Shared with You — Just like adults, today's kids are busy. Often, because face-to-face conversations are becoming less common, it may not be something they feel comfortable with. It may be hard or awkward for them to have a conversation with an adult. Thank the child for the time they shared with you, for telling you about the things they did, and for spending some time with them, no matter how short. Doing this boosts a child's self-esteem and demonstrates to them that they are loved and valued.

Bonus Tip: If they ask questions, answer honestly. If you don't know, don't lie. Tell them you will find out and get back to them. It is always better to honestly answer that you do not know than to try and make up information to a child. This is not only unfair to the child, but it also breaks trust.

For ideas on questions that help start meaningful conversations with kids, check out Ignite Parenting's Conversation Cards available on My Healthy Church.